Asking for a Friend: My spouse and I have an open marriage. We share finances, and I’m uncomfortable with how much they’re spending on dates.
Ooof. Navigating money in relationships can bring up all kinds of sticky feelings.
When we're uncomfortable with a partner's spending, it's usually not just about the dollar amount. It’s about what that spending represents and if it aligns with your shared financial goals, values, and emotional agreements. In other words, it’s not just a money conversation; it’s also a conversation about trust, priorities, and boundaries.
So how do you bring it up?
With curiosity, compassion, and good timing. If your spouse just came back from a big night out, wait until your own feelings settle. This conversation could feel vulnerable for both of you, so approaching it from a calm place matters. Reframe it in your mind from criticizing their choices to figuring out together how to stay on track for your shared goals. Try something like:
“I think it’s great we have the freedom to explore, and I've started feeling uncomfortable about how much we spend on dates lately. I’m worried if we’re staying on track for our shared goal of buying a home together. Would you be open to chatting about how we want to handle date nights moving forward?”
Creating a Framework That Works:
Decide what’s joint vs. personal: Are all expenses coming from one shared account, or do you each have your own “fun money” accounts for things like dates, hobbies, and treats?
If not, it might be time to consider setting one up. Many people in open relationships find that separate discretionary spending accounts can help reduce money friction, especially if one partner is spending significantly more on dates than the other.
Name your goals: Whether it’s saving for a home, paying off debt, or just having enough left over for weekend brunch, shared goals give you something to come back to when decisions get murky.
Consider separating savings goals into individual accounts or sub-accounts: When all your money is in one big account, it’s easier to overspend. “What’s the harm in a $200 dinner? I have $3,000 just sitting there.”
Clearly labeled accounts help you track progress, stay focused on your goals, and avoid the illusion of having more available cash than you actually do.
Normalize updating your agreements: What worked when you first opened up your marriage might not fit your life (or your spending plan) now. It’s okay to check in and adjust.
Money can be just as intimate as ethical non-monogamy. And like anything intimate, it’s worth making space for honest, regular conversations, even if they feel awkward at first.
Have questions?
Wondering about something money-related and wish someone else would ask it first?
Have a question you’re too shy to ask anywhere except online in “private” mode?
I’ve got you. Send me your anonymous “asking for a friend” question and I just might feature it in a future post.
Disclaimer: This information is for educational purposes only and doesn't constitute financial advice. Consider consulting with a fee-only financial planner for personalized guidance.
