Asking for a Friend: How do I integrate money into a D/s dynamic?

Money is power, which is exactly why it can play such an intense role in BDSM and D/s relationships.

Financial domination, or findom, is a consensual kink dynamic where money becomes part of the power exchange between Dominant and submissive partners. When practiced safely, it can deepen intimacy and trust, but it requires the same careful planning you'd apply to any major financial decision.

As a queer financial planner, I've worked with clients who want to explore findom while maintaining their financial wellness. In this post, I'll cover why people are drawn to findom, how to set safe boundaries, and red flags to watch for.

Getting Started with Safe Findom Practices

Clarify motivations

Before discussing payment methods, Amazon wishlists, or spending limits, clarify why findom appeals to you and your partner. Common motivations include:

For submissives:

• Offering tribute as a symbol of devotion

• Experiencing controlled "financial ruin" fantasies

• Demonstrating ownership or commitment

• Feeling cared for through financial structure

For Dominants:

• Enjoying control and responsibility

• Feeling pampered or provided for

• Creating deeper intimacy through trust

• Establishing clear power dynamics

Remember: Fantasy and reality require clear separation. Bankruptcy might be thrilling in theory, but shouldn't be your actual financial plan.

Set clear boundaries and maintain ongoing consent

Treat findom like any other discretionary spending category in your budget. Just like some partners budget for vacations or hobbies, kink-related spending can be planned for, tracked, and prioritized without compromising your financial wellness.

Consent isn’t a one-and-done event. Keep checking in with each other, especially after scenes or financial transactions. Have a plan in place for what happens if something doesn’t feel right or if a limit is crossed.

Consider establishing clear parameters, like:

Amount limits

• Daily caps: Consider starting with a smaller amount, like $10-25

• Weekly or monthly limits: These should take into consideration your discretionary income and what is sustainable

• Emergency stops: Agreed-upon safe words to pause all financial activities

Payment methods and safety

• Prepaid cards: Limit exposure to your main accounts

• Separate "play" account: Keep findom funds isolated from essential expenses

• Account alerts: Monitor joint accounts if you share finances

Privacy and documentation

• Discuss screenshot policies for transactions

• Decide on record-keeping for tax purposes (gifts above a certain amount may have tax implications)

• Establish boundaries around sharing financial information

Findom red flags

Watch for these warning signs:

• Pressure to exceed agreed-upon limits

• Reluctance to discuss financial boundaries

• Attempts to access accounts without permission

• Ignoring safe words or opt-out requests

The bottom line

As with all kink: honesty, consent, and care come first.

Have questions?

Wondering about something money-related and wish someone else would ask it first?

Have a question you’re too shy to ask anywhere except online in “private” mode?

I’ve got you. Send me your anonymous “asking for a friend” question and I just might feature it in a future post.

Disclaimer: This information is for educational purposes only and doesn't constitute financial advice. Consider consulting with a fee-only financial planner for personalized guidance.